Deeper than a…..post.

This  sat on my draft board for a while now. Wanted to save for later.

But my restless fingers kept itching me. Post it. Post it. Post it.

So I clenched my fist so they could shut the hell up & decided to publish the damn thing.

_____________________________________

Amour De Rencontre.

I ran my curve shaped manicured nails through the befuddled interlinks between the added extra-human extension and the strands that grew from my very own hair follicles. I hate that I had to be seen in such a muddle the morning after.  Disoriented, mascara trailing on my cheeks from tears of passion, the daunting evidence of the backwash of meaningless sex.

The room smells like a myriad of mixes. The fresh of a new morning, the unmistakable aroma of Benson & Hedges, the last of my Versace Vanita , his Clive Christian and the slow evaporation of body fluids.

I watch the shadow of his tall structure move around as he gathers up his clothing and I wonder if  IT  lacked a heart, too?

“See you around.”

Voiced out in a monotonous, benumbed voice.

*Door slams*

Soldier go.

__________________________________________

Soldier Come. (Soldier COME)  Soldier Go.

There goes another one. One two, One two.

They all reminded me of YOU.

A kind of hurt .  From the past, an altered trust.

Dozens had walked in through that door every time with the same gift,  a mockery of my Desire.

The devious smiles on their handsome faces with no depth.  Each was just another beautiful liar.

I rocked myself back and forth as my body began to shake.

Inhale baby girl.  Inhale.

__________________________________________

They say “You can’t love another until you love yourself.”

………You made me, so I loved you.

You didn’t love me, but I loved you.

I  loved you in  6700 different languages.

I searched for you in arms of many counterfeits.

I prostrated for you on that big rock in Abeokuta and you kicked me in the stomach.

I reached out to kiss your cheek in Pont des Arts  and you turned the other.

I greeted you Namaste  in India  but you didn’t answer.

How can you not love me, And then expect for me to love me?

_____________________________________________

Ssssssssh  now you hush up chile !  Your mind’s running wild.

Settle down baby girl…. You’re going in over your head.

Pour yourself some wine,   get youse some rest.

This is just another resemblance of your mishap….

This is just another wound. Another unwanted recap….

 

Or was it?

_____________________________________________

 BLAAP! 

Half empty bottle of  Dom Romane Conti  meets the mid section of the door,  just like the scene in Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”.

Only….I don’t have enough breakables to play catch.

After savouring the echo of the crash in my head,  I realize I have to roll up my sleeves to pick up the pieces as usual.

But I still feel this sharp pain my heart and the hot tears wouldn’t stop.

Need.  to.  make.  it.  go.  away.

I scrutinize a piece of broken glass. So beautifully displaced on its own.  Just like me. Just like me .

Eyelids shut. Fine piece on the start of my wrist.

Deep breaths. Do it.  Do it.

Press.  Down.  Hard.  Deep.

Deeper.

DEEPER.

Blood. Your blood.

I let it trickle down to the mahogany wood of my bedroom floor.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Can you feel it?

Drip. Drip. Drip.

I’m talking to you dammit, it’s YOUR blood too!

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Oh you don’t hear me?

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Daddy….you don’t hear me?

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Okay. Okay.  I get it. You want nothing to do with me. Two decades + one year worth of silence and I can read the Italic writings on the wall

…..But you still haven’t answered my one (two) question(s) and the room is starting to look like a soft focus blur.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

How can you not love me?

Drip. Drip. Drip.

…And then, expect for me to love me?

Drip.

How can you ….

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

DRIP.

**********************************

 

This one is for my lady-bugs . I wanted to tell you in the words of the Great Aretha Franklin.

With or without Validation of any measure of  Love from anyone, ANYONE?

“A Rose is still a Rose. Baby girl, you’re still a Flower.”

My quotes.

                                                                         

 

1).  Never show thy enemies Love. Even if the subconsciousness of your dreams? Slaughter them all.

2).  I maintain my Life holds an open door policy. At any given time, see yourself out.

 3).  Acquire Currency, Disregard Males.

4).  The irony, most gold diggers almost always have a broke love interest, eating the proceeds right off their shovels.

5).  Even GOD wants to be Loved.

6).  For those who swallow, what does PRIDE taste like?

7). Selfishness is the wisdom to put yourself first.

8). If you can’t learn to appreciate me, I’d teach you through my absence.

9).  Fragile in the physical but my spirit-woman is unrelenting. If a man sends me to an early grave before my time, my blood shall avenge him.

10). I don’t trust people who don’t trust people. They all belong together, so they can sleep with one eye open in accord.

11). Forgive them and Forget them…in the literal sense.

12).  I don’t hold the capacity for an  ”unconditional” kind of love.  For starters, you BETTER love me back.

13). It’s like a mental orgasm when you get to the point where you couldn’t possibly give two flocking fucks about a person you once care everything for.

14).  Love exists when Love is found. But not everyone…is Love bound.

15). Persistence is only cute, if you’re cute.

16).  No human can ever cause me GRIEF. Only events that can’t be controlled. If my peace of mind is threatened by your existence? Elimination.

17).  And in the end? Don’t you dare ever apologise for your Success.

18).  He who chases money would forever become a slave of it. Make a career out of your obsession and the stars will align in your favour.

19).  I don’t believe in heart-”break”. Just a whole bunch of Punctured Pride and Bruised Egos.

20). Women would never understand they can rule the world, if only they can stop hating on each other over things that should be objectified; like a man.

21).  Just because I’m pro-something, does not necessarily mean that I care enough to hold strong contempt for its opposition.

22).  Jealousy is the ugliest emotion.

23). The best part about not knowing who you truly are, is that every once in a while, you get a chance to surprise yourself.

24). I’m on a pursuit to contentment.  That’s the first milestone before you reach your subjective idea of happiness.

25). When I have a son, I’d teach him the human condition is structured to fuck up.  Never keep yourself at the MERCY of anyone.

26). Familiarity Breeds Contempt. Over Familiarity Feeds Disrespect.

27). Obsessed with the idea of Success.

 28). Just because you’re connected to someone through blood, doesn’t make them any less of a stranger.

29).  Rest In Peace to the lost opportunities, buried memories and could-have-beens.

30). I’ve come to find that men have it really good, for in the grand scheme of things…Women make better lovers, and men, better friends.

Thought to share…

I’m a fan of my Genius.  Hope you like

FEAR

Hello world.

I know I’ve been quiet for a while now, and that’s only because I really haven’t had anything to say…

And when I write, it has to come from an honest place. Somewhere real, somewhere true.

I’m grateful to the new readers who reach out everyday, the one who have suggested remedies to cure this chronic writers block from hell, people that have suggested this blog to others, and everyone who believes in me.

Thank you.

I’ve come to realize this is more than just a blog, it’s a platform to reach what I’m here for.

To connect, empower,  and celebrate all of womanhood.

_______________________________________________________

I’m scared to try, cause I’m scared to fail
I’m scared to die, cause I’m scared of hell

 

I’m scared to kiss, scared to hug
I’m scared of sex, cause I’m scared to touch

 

I’m scared to look, cause I’m scared to see
I’m scared of you, cause I’m scared of me

 

I’m scared to fly, cause I’m scared to crash
I’m scared to move on, so I live in the past

 

I’m scared to fight, cause I’m scared to bleed
I’m scared of love,  cause I’m scared he’ll leave

 

I’m scared of drugs, I’m scared to drink
I’m scared to swim, cause I’m scared to sink

 

I’m scared to learn, cause I’m scared of truth
Don’t wanna gain weight, guess I’m scared of food

 

I’m scared to start, cause I’m scared I’ll quit
I’m scared that people won’t like my shit

 

I’m scared of fame and paparazzi
Rumors starting and people watching

 

Scared to grow up, cause I’m scared to get old
Scared of the dark and being alone

I’m scared of war, I’m scared of jail
Scared to share a secret, cause I’m scared you’ll tell

 

This may sound silly, but it’s true
So don’t pretend it ain’t you too
We all afraid of something here
Cause you ain’t human with out fear

 

 

 

 

FEAR by Jazmine Sullivan.

I’m only Human.

Till this day, my personal fav piece. Never got to post it here

A little old and some of you may have already read before

And if you haven’t….Enjoy

_____________________________________________

Wednesday, October 27, 2008.

4:29pm.

I left traces of my mocha lipstick on your collar
so when she hugs you she’d know you’ve been with another

The other woman is what I choose to settle for
and I know better than to ask for more

I bit your lower lip while we exchanged mouth to mouth
hoping when she kisses you tonight she figures it out

Oh yes indeed you may call me the side line hoe
no conscience or self-respect, just plain dirty and low

Wait,  did I mention my leopard thong is sprawled in your backseat?
Honey better hurry before she finds Victoria’s secret

Must confess I get off by knowing you belong to another
the thrill of sharing the next woman’s lover

And your coat pocket has my mother’s Pendant in it

Wifey does your laundry thursday nights? Aww shit

For once upon a time,  your girl was my Man’s  OTHER woman
Don’t you think it’s my turn to Use the excUse:   “I’m only human?”

10 beauty/make up tips.

Randomly tweeted these days ago and decided to post up for my lady bugs who missed it.

I am no make up expert, but I have definitely come a long way on my own without any video tutorials or help.

Make up is an art. Enjoy being a WOMAN. Don’t be afraid to live, make  mistakes….then improve.

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Here goes.

10). Get over the hype,  MAC is OVER-RATED.  Use make up that is  inclined to mainly  colored women, i.e  Flori Roberts, Iman, Fashion Fair, Black Opal & much more.

9). After you apply blush (esp when it has a dark undertone)…slightly brush your cheeks with some powder so it doesn’t look too slapped in.

8).  If you’re team chocolate I’d suggest purple(s) for your shadow game. They make your eyes “pop” and blend right with whatever lip color.

7). When it comes to eye brows, if you can’t don’t want to deal with the stencils or gel liner…well, I use BROWN liquid liner & it turns out just fine.  Draw it right though.

6). Pale lips are not for every girl!!! Especially if your lips aren’t naturally lined (like mine aren’t).  If you fall into this category…I’d suggest Rouges & Red. Don’t do pale. Dulls you out!

5).  Mascara is my favorite makeup. When worked right, you’d be amazed by YOUR lashes.  Always stand sideways by the mirror as you stroke for better results.

4).  Many prefer to finish with eye shadow before liquid eye liner. I suggest the opposite, to give you better definition with the lid shadow.

3). Always  keep a powder that is significantly lighter than your skin tone to improvise for concealer.  A) Lining eyebrows.  B) Covering dark circles.

2). Oily skin ± oil based foundation, bad combo.  Unfortunately, most foundations are oil based. Apply baby powder each night after washing to absorb and dry up oil, while keeping your face fresh.

1). Always exfoliate with facial cleansers that go deep into the pores. Recommend ‘Clean and Clear’ or ‘Ambi’. Neutrogena dries up the skin too much.

That’s it.  I’d do more later.   ^_^

How Dare You?

 How Dare You?

I am spiritual, exceptional

Intrigued….by the metaphysics

Selfless enough….to pray for my unborn

With sex appeal like a Siren

And yet wholesome,  feminine

All woman.  A real woman

  Mid path to my endless search

for true love, a man sculpted by God

To whom, I can give my all

How Dare You look past all these

…and just  try to bust a nut.

__________________________________________________

How Dare You?

Survived disappointments….heart dents

Watched the ones I love get lowered in a casket

Escaped potential regrets, wrapped inside a box

of sweet nothings from dangerous men

who only wanted the little innocence I have left

….my maiden head.

Like beauty and the beast(s)

Seeking to drug me up with euphoric bliss

and inherently Scarlett my white sheets

Now How Dare You, look past these

All the trails from my past

…And focus on my ass?

_________________________________________________

How Dare You?

Forget my almond-shaped eyes

with the darkness beneath, that ironically

bores a light to it

Deep enough to bond with kindred spirits

Strong enough to see through facades

built to protect healing hearts

Again I ask.

How Dare You look past these

…And focus on the space between my thighs?

_________________________________________________

How Dare You?

Ignore my wise cracks and wit

And the laughter it brings

Wordplay and rhymes that fall from

Perfectly white teeth

With a smile that shines bright

Shine that brings light

Make a lame man walk, and a full man hungry

Yet,  How Dare You?

How Dare You look past all these

…And focus on my 36 Ds.

________________________________________________

 

But you’re just a boy…in every sense of the word

So I can’t blame you

You’ve got trust issues

so you just thrust  “bitches”

Consumed with lust, trying to get some

No sleeves, so you wear your heart on your dick

Cold hearted, trying to adapt to the world’s temperature.

“Odyssey”

Inspired by a man I’ve inspired.

The most beautiful gift you can ever give a woman

…is to TURN her into literature.

Thank you.

—————————————–

Is it possible to become enraged by something you desire?

To lose your temper?

To blurt out obscenities just because that which you desire doesn’t seem to care?

I’ve had lots of want in my lifetime. Money. Cars. Power. Women.

Beautiful Women.

Forgive my want for beautiful women but my erection will not go to waste

by biting my lips and stripping an average looking female with my eyes in pure lust.

It’s so much of an obsession,  it’s becoming my disease.

I want my women, I want them beautiful and when I don’t get them

things go pretty awry.

My obsession with a particular  Siren has made me more conscious

of my looks, dress sense and ethics.

I wake up and look at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning

and wonder if I am worthy to have a firm grip on this female.

Yes,  she is beautiful to me. A little vain.

Artificial to the last layer of her skin.

Her sex appeal rivals that of a Marilyn Monroe cameo.

I only wish she had a little of my time.

Maybe my penis too, but for now, I’m satisfied with time.

Unfortunately, she is caught up in her own world

of brown-skinned models and men with dangerous backgrounds.

I might be willing to do anything for her but is changing my ways

just for her a thing I want to do?

…Given that I get tired of women quite easily.

I think I’ll just watch her from afar like a beautiful landmark

falling apart.

After all, men like me age with GRACE.

While women like her, age with the grace…..to handle Botox.

My Quotes (Part Deux).

1). When it comes to self Love the rules are opposite….find before you seek.

2). I guess I don’t hold fidelity at high value, for there was never a time in the bible where God chastised a man…for having more than one wife.

3). Can no longer relate to these elites…that fly first class seats…that never had to make ends meet…that don’t what life really is.

4). Someone hurts you, and yet it becomes your responsibility to forgive them, don’t you just hate DOUBLE Ls?

5). Must be some cosmic curse that the ones we really want are always seemingly unattainable…and the ones we don’t,  just can’t buy a clue.

6). I don’t enjoy kissing…one in two Americans have gingivitis.

6). Funny when you really think about…strippers take their clothes off, only in turn, to put clothes on their back.

7). I’m not worried I’d never find Mr Right, I just don’t know if I’d like.

8). Everything bad that ever happened to me brought me to this place where I finally realize…I needed the pain for my art.

9). When it comes to this game called love… there are just too many options to be stuck on one.

10). Always been taught to Pray for Wisdom, Knowledge and Understanding, but as I grew into a woman, I find that Emotional Intelligence…is oh so necessary.

11). There should be no debate when it comes to this Happiness vs Money, everyone knows you can’t get any peace of mind without financial security.

12). So much love for my unborn seeds…so much knowledge I’m just waiting to give.

13). Lord give me a cause to fight for, something like a Revolutionary, I’d die happy…even if the Grim Reaper comes for me too early.

14). Sometimes I’m no longer aware of my own emotions, or how to even deal…suppress them so much, you start to forget HOW to feel.

15). When I die I want to be remembered for my good, I make mistakes but God knows essence is true…and preeminent of the evil I do.

16). Careful of the things you say you’d never do, and keep your thoughts as thoughts…universe has a funny way of making you eat your own words.

17). A problem shared….is not always half-solved, most times it’s just you putting yourself out there.

18). In the end, I’ve learned…rich, poor, fine, ugly… a man would only treat you how you let him.

19). Facades are necessary, because not everyone is deserving.

20). Do men really hurt that a woman broke the trust that was never there? Or on the low…the thought of another between those thighs was too much for the Ego?

21). One of my greatest fears is not the process of death, for it will come…I just fear a painful one.

22). Had to grow to master the responsibility of carrying my own cross…cause when it’s all said and done, the world doesn’t give a fuck.

23). One minute, there I was sitting, sweet sixteen…and now, I’m competing with women that were born in 1993.

24). You’ve reached Samantha’s voicemail…..I’ve made a lot of changes in my life, so if I don’t return your call, you’re probably one of them.

25). Guys stop being nice to you after about the second week…after they establish you wouldn’t be bumping pelvics.

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

I’m watching the sunrise…while these tears dry

The Verve put it best

It’s a bittersweet symphony that’s life

Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to the money then you die

The curse of the human condition…forever insatiable.

 

Dear Diary,

It’s hard to keep the faith….when you need to pay rent

It’s hard to dream big….when you’re awakened by the disappointment of reality

It’s hard to move fast…..when you’re still clouded by the past

It’s hard to love…..when all you’ve ever gotten is hurt.

 

Dear Diary, 

I’m really not asking for much…I  just want it all

And if it comes down to it…guess I’d settle for perfection

Good girl going gone, may I get all the money in the world?

Even though I know deep down, it’s never gonna be enough.

 

Dear Diary,

Today I just realized, I unconsciously tell little white lies

because I can’t tell where the line of difference from truth is, sometimes

I’m now constantly lying to momma to keep her smiling

And dad, I know I’m being oh so foul

But I’m just loving her, the best way you showed me how.

 

Dear Diary,

Love exists, when love is found

But not all of us are love bound

Last night, I was betrayed with a kiss

Petal trails…for possibilities of being his Mrs

Generous lies…below his pretty  lustful eyes

And then he sealed it with those same three words

…The sweetest seduction that I ever heard.

 

Dear Diary,

My greatest  fear is dying a nobody

Oh, Just another body laying in the cemetery

So I figured to Obsess with Success,  confess it

And see, if it becomes one of those self-fulfilling prophecies.

 

Dear Diary,

Today, I saw my life flash before my eyes

As the motions stopped, I heard God talk

Told me when I got tired of driving alone

He’d be there…waiting for me to come back home.

 

                              ________________________________________________________________________________

If I upset you don’t stress, never forget…

That God isn’t finished with me yet

I feel his hands on my brain

When I write rhymes, I go blind…and let the Lord do his thing. –  TUPAC AMARU SHAKUR

 

Jah Bless.